gray

How do i define this emptiness that is filling my guts?

there's a certain pain that i can't explain. a certain sorrow that is not fading away.

i have fear of losing all that i love.

i have fear of losing what i had never have, and maybe will never have.

i am looking for something that i am not sure of what exactly it is....in every corner i see the gray colour of my soul. i see wide open space and not sure what to make of it.

i need help. Please God show me the answer.

why?????

Why do we always want what we can't have?

Why do we always want things that will harm us?

Why do we need to inflict ourselves with pain?

Why do we have to have feelings?

Why do we have to love?

Why do we have to suffer?

Why do we still do things that we know will hurt us?

Why do we do stupid things?

Why am I writing these?

that someone you knew....

sometimes, you never realized how someone who walked into our life is someone that you will never forget. maybe the person is just someone who cross path with you every morning. maybe the person works in the same building. maybe they are in the same office.

you may not call them your friend. you may not think you miss them. you may think that that person is just someone you know. you just never realized, sometimes a person is just that worth to be remembered.

a news i received yesterday, that someone i knew, that i didn't really think about all the times, had passed. funny how all the memories suddenly are replayed in your head.

i will miss passing in front of her office and call her name out loud. someone who often share the table in the pantry during breakfast, someone who had really loved her nasi lemak in the morning, someone who shared small talks after Zohor prayers in the surau, and she is gone.

and it is again in my head, how easy we forget about the ones who we met everyday. you just never thought that someone had somehow left an impact in your life. my regrets, i didn't visit her that much since i moved to this new place. i didn't think she even knew i had moved.

i will miss her somehow. and this one goes to Kak Mah, al-Fatihah.........May Allah bless her soul.

Kak Mah dedicated her life to postal service, and was still with Pos when she passed. she had succumed to cancer, which was only diagnosed seven months ago.

how jealousy differs from envy....

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring. (wikipedia)

i really think a strike of jealousy is hitting me hard right now.

well, you always want what you can't have.....