saya benci perasaan itu....

saya ingin melihatnya, mendengar suaranya setiap hari.....
dan ia adalah perasaan yang saya benci....

setiap hari tanpa jemu saya berharap untuk bertemu dia....
dan saya benci perasaan itu....

saya merindui dia.
dan saya benci perasaan itu....

saya ingin menyatakan betapa bencinya saya bila kesemua perasaan itu hanya boleh saya pendam.

kerana jika diluahkan mungkin saya akan terus membenci diri saya.

dan saya benci kepada diri saya kerana saya menyayanginya.....

all the things, i just wanna say.....

i cant even remember when i last wrote....life has been so damn hectic these days.

take it on the positive side. they sent me everywhere for the 'special assignment. at least i get to see places. i get to fly and travel to places that many had never been.

changes been made. they decide i am no use to them anymore. i am living in a world with a lot of dramas, a lot of fake smile, a lot of buried hatred and envy towards each other. there is no one that can be trusted.

only God knows how much i wanted out. i want to walk out and prove i am worth it somewhere.

and God knows how much it suffocates me.....but i can only breathe when i start to tell myself, God is Great.

i love my job. but i dont like it here, at least not anymore.

but while i am still around (which i hope not for long), i want to give all i can, with sincerity, with hopes that people would notice me....while i am still here.

and each day that i live, the 10 hours of my daily live that i spent in that horrible world, not a single time that i forgot about him. and another 8 hours i spent doing things when i am awake, i always think of how life would be if he is around me. and now i am wishing i had more time with him when i was younger.

why cant i be the one? stupid question.....

God knows i am missing him. dearly, deeply.

work sucks, love life sucks, what else? owh, i just found out, i am an idiot. i trust people easily.

life has been unkind. all the things, i just wanna say, i am still alive. Praise Allah for all the years i have.......

saya masih ada rasa itu.....

hati saya masih ada rasa itu....bila saya tahu apa yang terjadi pada dia, terasa ingin segera menelefonnya, bertanya khabarnya.....ingin saja saya berada di sana, merawat lukanya.....

saya rindukan dia. tapi dia tak tahu.....dan tak mungkin dia peduli sekalipun dia tahu.....

kenapa dia perlu ada, dan melukakan saya. dan saya terus mengharapkannya.....

hati saya sangat terluka. tapi saya dengan penuh ego cuba menafikannya.....

saya hanya mampu bersedih, dan berdiam......terus berdiam dan melihat.........

dia.....

dia sudah seperti tidak pedulikan saya....

dia sudah seperti tidak berminat untuk berbicara dengan saya.....

dia, satu ketika pernah saya letakkan harapan kepadanya....

dia, mungkin tidak pernah ada rasa itu untuk saya.....

dia, mahu yang standard size, bukan extra large seperti saya....

dia, ah, rugilah dia tidak pedulikan saya.....

rasanya ingin sahaja delete dia dari facebook friends saya.....

dia, hanya ada sebentar sahaja.....

dan dia, terus diam, terus melukakan saya....

dalam hati, hanya Allah yang tahu betapa saya kecewa.....

ada satu rasa......

saat ini, aku hanya mampu berfikir dan terus berharap.....agar suatu masa dia berhenti bermain tali layang-layang itu, dan layang-layang itu ialah aku.

tiada siapa melainkan Tuhan yang tahu apa bermain di fikirannya.....dan aku harap saat ini, dia berasa yang sama seperti aku....

Dan bila setiap kali kami bertemu di dunia virtual itu, ada satu perasaan yang begitu maya dalam hati aku......entah perasaan itu juga terbit di hatinya, kala aku menaipkan kata-kata gurauan dan cuba untuk menghiburkan hatinya.....

dan saat ini, aku rindu yang teramat. ingin untuk aku bertemunya, cukuplah di hadapan skrin komputer.....

dan di saat-saat ketika dia berbicara, ingin aku suarakan rasa, cukuplah di sini kalau kita terus bertemu begini. dan aku amat ingin untuk lebih dari teman berbicara untuknya. dan di saat dia masih sakit, aku ingin menjadi penemannya yang setia, untuk berada di sisinya.....segala kekurangan yang pernah dirasa daripada ibunya, mahupun mantan kekasihnya, biar aku sahaja yang menggantikan....

dan aku takut untuk terus mencuba dekat, takut nanti hati terjerat.

mungkin kali ini aku mengalah sebelum mula bertarung.....sudah terlalu letih bertarung dengan perasaan aku sendiri.....dan sudah terlalu terbiasa aku yang kecewa bila mencuba.

Jika dia berasa yang sama, maka biarlah dia sahaja yang menarik tali layang-layang itu dan berhenti bermain dengannya.....

di saat ini.....

bila dengar dia sakit, di saat ini jua aku ingin berlari menemani dia.....

di saat ini jua, aku ingin menjadi temannya yang paling setia, yang paling mencintai dia, yang ingin menjaganya, menjaga makan dan minumnya.....

di saat ini jua, aku ingin menjadi orang yang paling dia cintai....aku ingin jadi teman, aku ingin jadi kekasih, aku ingin menjadi jiwa dan raganya.....

kerana bagi aku, dia antara insan sempurna....dan di saat ini tiada lain yang aku inginkan melain untuk berada bersamanya. dan mencintai dia, seadanya....

dalam dirinya aku melihat janji, melihat setia, melihat kasih sayang....yang mungkin tiada pada jiwa lelaki lain. dalam tawanya aku temui ikhlas....

dan di saat ini tiada yang lebih aku inginkan melainkan cintanya. untuk dikasihinya, disayanginya.....

tapi inginkah dia?

dan sekali lagi, tiada yang lebih aku takuti melainkan bila dia berkata tidak.....dan sekali lagi, aku yang tewas.

noch einmal.....

once again i sinked in my emotions.....i drowned myself with such hopes and dreams.

once again i was broken.

once again, it ends even before it started.

and again i have no else to blame, but myself.

once again i tell myself, lieben Sie nicht, wenn Sie nicht wissen, dass Sie geliebt werden.

and again, i am the idiot.

or should i blame it on the lonely heart inside me?

back to the place i grew up.....

i went to a childhood friend's wedding reception. God knows how much i hate attending weddings, but he was my friend, from God knows when. it was a simple one, but there are a few things are just so hard to forget.

brought back some bad and good memories. brought back a few things i could smile for.....

there we were, a bunch of 28 year old people, and some of us last met each other 10-11 years ago. the people i hated, the people i liked, the people who i never noticed, the people who never notice me and some people i am beginning to know and to love.

many are not married....and what a relieve that was. hahaha. knowing i am not the only anak dara and anak teruna left from class of 99.

but it was an unforgetable reunion between me with him, who shall not be named. tried hard to play in my head the old days, and i can't trace any memory of him. i was never a friend, and we had never have any class corridor chat. i can't even recall his face. but believe me....now his face is like glued to my head.

after few weeks of chatting on yahoo messenger or facebook, we finally meet again (although i really can't recall his face when we were in school, dem yuh ignorance!) guess i was too focus on study (as if!, or maybe too focus on trying to be popular?).

the best part, i received some pleasant comments on my comeback to the town.....hahahaha. dram queen! let me just keep the comments and enjoying it while i still can. i don't look that bad for a 28 year old.

owh, that funny little feeling lingers now....and i hate it so much.

this crazy little thing.....

hidup rasa tak keruan bila dia tidak online.....bila dia tidak membalas buzz di ym.....

am i crazy to have fall for this guy....just chatting online. maybe i am just so lonely, and now, that i really need someone i could talk to.....

as usual, i want to know deep about any guy i am about to get involved with....and how much i want to get involve with u....

where are you tonight...idling for the past two hours....i miss u.

i am feeling all kinds of feeling....

i am sad....i am in grief....i feel so alone.

i feel like i am an outcast. they make me feel that way. they made me feel worthless. they made me hurt so badly. and i wish i could just turn back time....i'd rather suffer and continue becoming a slave, rather than having so much work, but being treated like an outcast......

i am crying so hard right now. and now i understand how does it feel to feel bad....i am so broken right now, and being at a very low point of my life.....

i tried hard, and too hard to be part of them. and now i am nor here not there. i should've never involved myself into all this high society life up there.....coz in the end, i was never belonged there....

i once said i will never be the superstar...and yes, i was right. why am i being punished this way?

just because i am not agreeing to you, you put me off the team.....i once felt like you were the brother i never had....and that feeling wasnt mutual i guess. i had hopes that you will be the one who would support me and to climb high.....but you let me down...

if only you would understand that people have feelings too. there are hearts that are easily broken...

and i was accused being the firestarter in this place.....it felt like the whole world caved in on me....you, out of so many people is telling everyone, i broke the department apart....

i am here coz i wanted to shine. i thought life would be better with you people.....but out of so many people.....and you little one......i thought i found a friend in you...but no....you had hurt me so bad. and the worse part....you were the root of all these....the one i once thought as my big brother now succumbs to your eagerness to climb up there....and you are not letting me to climb with you.

people have hearts you know.....and even if i am the ugliest person here....but God made me this way....

beauty doesnt mean pure and true...that's the best lesson i learned. being a bitch under that pure fair skin is the worst that anybody can be. we will be like the ones around us....and nothing more is true than that.....

like how john legend sings it "baby when i used to love you, there's nothing that i wouldn't do"....and no, i don't wan to anymore.

Please God, above all i wanted, please...let me be happy. let me be happy of what i do and with people around me, people who i work with. i want to be happy, so much.....

i hate feeling depressed like this, hating each weekdays i have to go through.....hating every moment that i have to put on my headphones so i dont hear any of their voices....because it hurts me so bad, knowing that i am not needed here, knowing how much they want to break me....

Please God, let me out of here.....please spare me the unnecessary pain........

the drama.....

i call it the drama, a neverending of people who lives under the same roof, but have different views.

i was accused of being negative. i was accused of being jealous. because of my note yesterday, which was purely from the bottom of my heart and the shallow part of my economics view.
yes my friends, yesterday i was talking about the Economics effect. and no, i did not go to any economics school.

the economics effect that will later snowball back to us, whether us, the postal people like it or not. macam jugak bila harga minyak naik, semua benda naik. so, jangan marah bila astro naikkan harga lagi, jangan memekak bila telekom, celcom, maxis dan kawan-kawan akan charge you for the statements and only give you discount if you sign up to their internet billing. dan gaji yang naik tu nanti boleh la cover untuk segala kenaikan yang bakal ada untuk semua industri yang berkaitan dengan pos. begitu jugak kalau bank akan mula imposed all the crappy "cukai perkhidmatan" shits on you later on.

i was indeed hurt of such comments. no, i am not against the salary revision. i am not against the tariff increase, but at least it was supposed to be done at a slower pace, not so drastically.
i had personal messages sent to my inbox saying of how negative i am. dem yuh! i was just trying to play neutral, i was not taking sides. i was discussing the ugly truth of the whole situations. it was all then turned into this ugly drama.

if only anybody would know all the things being done to get the tarrif increase, and all the cost spent to suck up to the government to get the tarrif increase. put yourself at my place my friend. and i was hurt when i was accused of being negative.

yes, it's time we get tariff revision. i am not saying it is 100% bad. but there will be people who will hurt deep, economically speaking.

i wish Pos Malaysia the best. and so to the other 14 licensed bulkmail companies who will hurt so badly after this when all banks and telcos decide to stop sending statements to their customers. i wish the best of luck to the workers in those 14 companies who might lose their jobs with the current postal trend. mungkin boleh mintak kerja kat Pos?

and i definitely will not share this personal view or tag anyone by this notes. if ever anybody would read this, i apologize for being such a negative person. and those who feels that i don't belong here and don't understand the business, well maybe you are right. no worries, i intend to leave this sick and ugly corporate world, which had not care at all for those down there.

this is what we call the win-lose and later become lose-win scenario......

firstly i would like to apologize for anybody, in anyway that my note, me, a person who has very little knowledge in statistic, whatever crap to do with numbers....i am not smart. but i think i should be putting myself in customers' shoes while i am writing this.

mind me when i use 'rojak' language in this note. but we are Malaysians, aren't we???
i am happy that our postal workers are getting a restructuring of salary....god for you, congratulations! well, you guys really deserve it.how you guys are getting it? by TARIFF HIKE! NAIK HARGA! , as in simplified Malay......

ada orang cakap, karipap sebiji singgit orang boleh beli, takkan setem 60 sen tak mampu??? yes, that's true. but, how many and who actually buy and eats currypuff everyday???? we are not talking about any joyah, minah or johari (as in any tom, dick and harry) in this case. i want to talk about the effect of the hike to the whole industry of mail. and i am not writing as a niece whose uncle works for a bulkmail company, as i said, i put myself in the customers' shoe. from a helicopter view, as an ex-boss would put it. lets talk about the domino effect of the price hike.

when i joined this company, i see a world in here that no one sees but us, THE POSTAL WORKER. it's a wonderful and colourful world in here. full of politics, hypocritics, plastics and watever u might call it.

ok straight to the point. Read : PRICE HIKE WILL MAKE PEOPLE FIND ALTERNATIVES. like how people start to install NGV kit in their vehicle when the petrol price goes up.....

lets not compare us, Pos, to TNB, or TM. we are just rotten oranges. and they are overriped apples. TNB is a monopoly business. so you say, Pos also monopoly what? dem yuh! have anybody heard this word "Hand Mailers"? with the price hike, i see no surprise if astro would switch back to motorbke riders who throws the tv guide into our gates or mailbox....yes, if anybody know the history, once upon a time, astro gave up on pos and used HANDMAILERS. tak cukup clear ke my points up here?

FYI, there is a business called bulkmail (i should write a book 'Mail Business for Dummies', if ever anyone in Pos tak pernah dengar this term). who are the clients? Banks, who sent you credit card statement every month, Telcos, who sent you their bills every month. and there are about 2 millions astro subscribers in malaysia....still don't get the point? for these companies, MAIL is their major cost. maybe korang kata, to hell la with them. charge kow-kow tiap bulan. ok, fine. but have anyone ever think of the industry of mail itself.

Hj. Nadza himself had said the courrier industry is losing about 11 million because of less credit cards being issued by banks, because people don't want to pay RM50 annually for govt. tax. and that is just RM50 PER YEAR........

imagine what it would do, if the normal phone bills you received every month, that normally cost 30cent suddenly goes up to 60 cent? wouldn't it be like a 100% cost increase for the telcos?

ok, simplified.....Pos naikkan harga setem, telcos and banks punyer cost naik. diorang fed up with Pos, find another alternatives. Hand mailers are now smiling to their ears.....e-statements are lingering in the telcos an banks' operation people's mind.....macam mana dengan orang-orang or companies yang buat the printing, enveloping, and posting the bill, statement and whatever letters yang all of you get with a small box on the right hand side of the envelope saying "BAYARAN POS JELAS"????? they are the one supplying millions of mail volume to feed pos malaysia, every month. they are the 60% revenue? IF NO BUSINESS FOR BULKMAILERS, MEANS NO BUSINESS FOR POS, get it????

ok, 10cent increase is like 33.3% hike. but a 100% hike??? that is just unbearable, even if for me, who sends birthday cards to aunties and uncles, or cousins sometimes.....

it is a volume game for our business...yep, little margin for huge volume....but still, people can and will find alternatives. less volume for us, naik 300% pun tak guna jugak.....fikirlah sendiri. kalau aku pun jadik bank, nak hantar statement yang isinya 2 keping kertas A4 aku kena bayar 60 sen....better for me to find somekind of incentives like, get my customers to use e-statement, and give those people somekind of rebate.....which would you AS A CUSTOMER would prefer???? dapat diskaun on your monthly bills, if you use the internet billing...dah la internet merata tempat, kat opis pun korang buka facebook kan? yeah i admit, i do it too......

you say, we give rebates what? ok, fine...tapi berapa percent rebate tu? 8%? banyak ker?
i was doing sales and marketing for mail. that's why i dare to write, although i am not the best salesperson Pos ever had. i am not the smartest person, or so business minded kind of person....price hike sucks.

alasan dia munasabah. people can accept and pity our postal heroes yang very much underpaid. but the hike is too much. and again, try to put yourself in the customer's shoes my dear friends. bukan sahaja orang-orang kat marketing akan kena maki hamun, long term effect, we will lose volumes....and the graph will go back flat again.....senang cerita, volume turun, kita akan balik ke tahap lama, start la rugi balik, once these people find alternatives....
we can increase postage, but not 100% for standard mails that cost 30cent. because that 30cent is the biggest portion of the plate. have anyone ever heard of 80:20 principle? ok, i admit, i don't really understand it. but get my point? dan surat bukan macam karipap, yang nikmatnya tak dapat ditukarganti.

maybe our revenue akan meletup-letup sampai hujung tahun ni, when the time comes in July....but sampai bila???

we are killing the mail industry. period. noktah. and i am so sorry if i offended so many of Pos Malaysia workers with my little knowledge of the mail industry with this note.

i wish i had never loved.......

it is funny how can you call it a heart.....when all the heart is doing is pumping blood to all parts of your body. funny how a heart could feel things like hurt, and even funnier that it can break.

it is funny how a heart could love. the funniest part, you can't control anything that matters when it comes to what your heart feels......

my heart had loved, it had broke, and it is hurting. even when i am trying to forget the feelings.

i wish i had never come here. i wish that i never met you. i wish that i had never feel anything towards you. i wish i had never loved you. i wish that i could just turn it off.....and never feel anything that could later hurt me.

i wish i could turn back time. i wish i could just run away. i wish i will never see you again.

but i will still see you, hear you.....and God knows how much i wanted the day that i leave will come.....

above it all, i wish i had never ever love, if i had known that i will be the one to burn.....

aku tak mahu tanya mengapa......

Sedihkan......bila sesuatu yang diharapkan sudah pasti TIDAK akan sama sekali menjadi.....

Sedihkan, bila hanya kita yang tahu betapa besarnya erti sesuatu itu, dan ianya takkan pernah menjadi hak kita...

Suatu masa, setiap hari aku mendoakan untuk dia berubah, menjadi seorang yang lebih baik.....

Sedih, Allah makbulkan satu doaku....dan dimakbulkan doa itu bukan untuk kebaikan aku.....ia menjadi satu kebaikan bagi orang lain. Allah makbulkan doaku, untuk kebahagiaan orang lain....

Sedih, bila kita hanya mampu pandang ia berlalu.....dan takkan mampu untuk berbuat sesuatu untuk menghalangnya.

Sangat sedih, bila kekecewaan itu perlu dilihat setiap hari.....selagi aku masih di sini....

Sangat sedih, sebab kalau pun dia tahu, tak mungkin dia akan berasa yang sama pada aku.

Tak perlu aku tanya mengapa....Allah saja yang ada jawapannya.

Sakitnya itu, ada masa aku ingin meminta untuk aku dilanggar kereta, koma, dan bangun semula dan tidak sekali-kali mengingati segala yang menyakitkan itu.......

dan kita bertemu untuk melukakan aku......kita terus akan bersama, walaupun tidak pernah sehati.....

selagi aku masih di sini....pernahkah hati aku mampu menghilangkan rasa itu, dulu? susah.....dan inilah satu doa yang Allah belum mahu makbulkan....untuk aku tidak berasa kecewa....dan doa agar keras hati aku, takkan mudah menyayangi selagi aku belum disayangi.....

Aku takkan tanya mengapa.....Allah saja yang ada jawapannya......

learn to live on....hurt on....

the bomb had been dropped.....but why am i still alive?

the sound of my heart pounding faster than ever when received the news....but, i did not die. i hope my face was still straight as ever at that point of time. and no, there's no part of me that died....

i am still alive. and i am not wishing that i am dead.....i just want to go far, so i will not continue to hurt on, every single day....but when would the day that i leave will come???

with the headphones as my escapism....i will learn to live on and hurt on.....from now on.

it's final....

gone are my hope and my dreams....and it is final.....

i need control, i need Valium, i need to go away.....i have to leave.

spare me this pain.....

It is like the world is caving in on me suddenly.....

i have held on too long on something that was never there. ok, the other one, it was near. Shit, i will not be myself anymore. i am not myself lately anyway....

i just wish things would go easier on me this year, but no....heartbreak, another heartbreak, and i guess it will keep breaking.

is there anything like Novocaine that i could use to numb my heart and soul, so i don't have to live in pain anymore?

please Allah, have mercy on me. spare me this pain because i know it destroys me. spare me the hurt that seems endless, and will never go away.

help me control my feelings, so no one sees what i am hiding. no one will see my suffering. do not let my eyes tell them things i have been keeping inside for so long.

help me find a way to walk away from what i have hoped for. help me find away to forget i have longed for. Please Allah, spare me from this pain.....