when life closed down on you, what would you do?

last night i cried myself to sleep. asking God with all the questions i need the answer to. why am i so weak to have all these funny feelings linger around me. why am i not strong enough to let it pass.

i asked Allah for all the strength i might need to continue being here. being alive. i am so tired of telling myself that everything will be ok. that i will soon get over this. but i know i am not that strong and my heart is so stubborn that i went on hurting myself.

i am so tired of being defeated. i am so tired of trying to prove that i am worth it. i am so tired of waiting. and i know life keeps closing down on me.

maybe i am being so selfish when there are others who suffer worse. so i asked Allah to let me have the strength. i do not want to be defeated again.

Please Ya Allah, i am so tired of being heartbroken. please let me have this one and make it through.

questions that i have no answer to.....

is it love when i can picture us together, having a great time together?

is it love when i can see a future, where we just enjoy talking to each other?

is it love when i speak to you in a manner that i don't show to anyone else, but you?

is it love when i think of you at everything that i see, i touched, or do?

is it love when i can tell how much in pain you are?

is it love when i wonder what are you doing with that someone when you are not here?

is it love when i feel pain knowing that you are with that special someone?

is it love when to care for you is all i want to do?

is it love when it hurts knowing that i will not be the one???

congested.....

at times, i just fell like drifting away....funny how i could no longer numb myself to madness around me.

wonder if anyone out there ever felt like, they just don't know what they want in life anymore....

it's just so hard to define right now what i am looking for. i want this hollow to be filled and closed. but i just don't know how.

i just can't take anymore of this stupid feelings...so tired. i might need a shrink. instead of talking on a blog that would never talk back.

it is just so painful when you really want something that you will never get hold of. i wish the desire would just die off. or if only i could just live with this pain. and right now, it is crushing every inch of my chest....

in such unhappy mood....

right now, all i wanted is to find a door where i can walk out of here....

why?

- because i don't want to get hurt.
- because i don't think i could control myself from keep falling.
- because i want to walk away from trouble of the heart.
- because i am tired being the one on the outside.
- because i just can't tell myself, he is just not worth it.
- because i hate falling in love.
- because i am tired of trying to have a place here.
- because i am in need of more money.
- because i want to have a better position.
- because i want to have a career.
- because i can't refrain my heart telling me things i want to hear.
- because i hate people that never have good feelings about people.
- because i am tired of pretending to be what i am not.
- because i don't feel belong.

i want to run, and never come back. i want this to stop. the pain i create. the pain that only myself is feeling. and the crush that is crushing me.

lame excuses. but i want a happier place to be. guess we will never be happy of what we have. i will define my own terms of happy : in control of our economic situation, a better position, not to feel left behind because i am still in the same seat after 4 years into my so called career, a place where i wont fall for a guy that easily.

i love him. and i hate myself because i love him.

and i just keep on doing it. although i keep telling myself. he is just not worth it.

i am bad in having controls. and right now, there's nothing more that i want than to have it all turned off. wish it would die.

out here, it is never good to look at those in the inside. and out here, i am so disposable.

outside, looking in....

yesterday, i got this from someone : "you are trying so hard to fit in among them".

what a punch in the belly. not that i didn't notice. i knew i was never, and will never be a part of them.

it hurts, but i must not let it kill me. and yesterday, i had to confess to her...yes, i felt like i didn't belong. the same feeling she has, even when she has been here longer.

i am not there, neither here. always someone on the outside.

yesterday, i have decide. i will stop trying. i will try to at least stop trying. i am not and never will be one of them.

i literally begged for this, and i shouldn't at all, at any cost to regret of what i have got.

and yesterday i learnt, when the heart matters, there's no power but God's to stop it. i can't stop giving to those i love. though there is nothing in return for me. So i will keep asking God, to have my feelings turned off, so i don't get hurt anymore.

and right now, i am so tired, so so tired trying to feel belong. i am so tired of feeling unwanted. so tired to make a place for myself.

what a wonderful world we are living in....

beauty is in the eye of the beholder....CRAP!

i learn my lesson well, in life, you just have to be beautiful, perfect and have a certain quality in your looks in order to have a place (or a good place) for a success. hard work is never that important...not even when you are damn good at what you do.

too bad i don't have those qualities.

i am an ugly duckling...wish that i will turn into the white swan tomorrow.