That monologue lingers in my mind...

I guess I am just so scared of hurting. I guess I just don't like taking risks when it comes to matters of the heart. 

I have healed, at least I want to believe so. I have not thought of that same person the way I used to. 

But now, another one appears in my life. And all I hear in my monologue :

Heart : Do You like him?

Head  : I don't want to. 

Heart : But you like him?

Head : Yes I do.... 

I know, you should never ever question God. But, a human being just can't help it. What have I done that I deserve this kind of torture to the heart?

I just hate it so much. If it is within my control, I would switch off my heart. So I know I can guard myself from falling in love. 

At this moment, all I want is to get the hell out of here. So I will no longer anticipate those moments where we bump into each other. So I no longer anticipate that one lunch date. Oh yeah, I did gather courage to have that one lunch. But, it didn't happen. And I continue anticipating. 

I shall not anticipate. I should have stopped expecting. And therefore I will continue wondering, assuming, and hurting.... 

I am desperately seeking happiness....

Where is it? Is it in having someone to love and love me back? Well, I don't have that.

I feel horrible. I asked Allah to give me a new job, I got it. But I am still not happy. I thought I would be at first.

I am devastated, where was the life I said I hated before? I need it back. At least I know it keeps me off my wandering mind.

My job is what many are seeking. But maybe, not this place. Not this place where they don't find your job something that is crucial for the company.

I am wasting my young years, my young single years. I want to be happy. If it is not with a man and children, then let it be with a job.

I am just not a happy person.