this is just me saying things.....

dont get offended with whatever is coming up in lines after this....i am saying what i feel....

i hate pretenders....i hate people that talks like grown ups but doesnt think well of what they are going to do next. i hate people who waste money for things that are really, really, well not important (handbags and shoes doesnt count, alrite?)

why go to the extreme pain just for beauty that doesnt really need enhancement. why waste thousands bucks to have your not so wrongly placed pearls in your mouth. and dont complain when it hurt....when u cant eat like normal people. well baby, beauty is pain.....

funny how great the lengths that women might go for beauty....beautification that sometimes they dont need. funny huh....

the UKTT in my office wears nothing less than a 3 inch heels/wedges......ok wedges are acceptable. but heels, that's a pain.

wearing bracess for me isnt really an option when u have such fine set of pearls. and u spend....thousands of RM.....damn it dont complain when it hurts....and u ask people to eat at places where they serve anything below than RM5 soup and bread....get real....

i am sorry i am being so mean....wearing bracess doesnt mean that people has to suffer either. God knows how much i despise McDonalds....and i always get this "i dont want to waste money and eat RM7 soup" damn it, u would have more money if u dont spend it on ur almost perfect set of teeth. dont get me wrong....ur pain isnt mine when the pain is ur own request.....and having slightly bucked tooth doesnt affect ur food intake.....

and do u know that bracess can damage the surface of the teeth? man i have said enough.....

and note to self : long wearing of contact lenses can cause pain. but u need it to look pretty. damn it! maybe i can save up RM5000 and get a LASIK done. nopt only i will look good, i will see better.

i hate to say this.....i hate people who do things with such a low judgement. and dont come complain to me bout ur self inflicted pain.

i hate myself for not being sympathetic....that's just not me.....and as much as i want to say....i told u so....i wont.

grow up my dear womanchild friend.....pain and price that paid for a few degrees of beauty, just isn't worth it.......

have u ever?

have u ever felt like u don't belong? no matter how much u want to be in, but u always feel that u're just someone on the outside?

i am feeling the numbness in our relationship right now, my dear JOB.... though i want it to be career instead of a job. it felt like i wasn't trusted enough. feels like i am always the one who makes the 5th wheel...hmm.

when the silence seems so loud...and u see people around u did not care of your existence.

i just don't know why, i feel so isolated. i feel so alone in the crowd of 13 people. i feel awkward all the time. i get to do crappy things, when someone who ranked lower got a higher responsibility. what am i doing? blaming it on the wrong choice i made?

i am well aware of it. i literally begged for the JOB (again, it is not a career).

i am still trapped. i am still uncertain of whatever is happening to me, or who i will become. i am so leaving the company next year.

i made mistake. and it just felt like they had stopped trusting me....let's just see how we move from here.

entah....

tiba-tiba rasa nak tulis dalam bahasa melayu. macam Dato' Seri Utama Rais Yatim menyeru, jangan bercampu aduk bahasa kita....

kalau ketika ini ada yang rasa aku menjauhkan diri daripada mereka, padanlah muka kau semua....tapi untuk kawan-kawan yang setia, bukan niat menyepi diri... dan bukan kawan-kawan yang menyakiti.

aku menjauh sebab kecil hati, kecil hati dengan tempat yang dulu aku curahkan kreativiti, tenaga, masa dan cinta. tapi aku tak salahkan tempat itu, aku salahkan orang-orang yang ada di dalamnya....walau bukan semua, tapi sebahagiannya.

bila aku menghantar siaraya melalui mel elektronik, ramai yang bertanya 'Bila?, Kenapa? Mengapa?' sudah bencikah kau pada tempat itu....

kalau dalam lagu Afgan "Di hati kecilku berharap kau masih bahagian dari hidupku", macam itu yang aku rasa. tapi selama aku di sana, hanya orang lain mengatakan aku bagus, orang di dalam tempat itu sendiri tak nampak apa yang aku mampu buat.

di tempat baru, memang susah untuk aku bersinar. sudah ada bintang-bintang di hati tuan....

bencilah. keadaan ekonomi semakin menekan. aku semakin tertekan. kalaupun hati masih ada sayang, mungkin lebih baik aku pergi. aku bukan macam sesetengah mereka yang tak kisah dengan keadaan sekeliling. lebih baik mengupas mangga di meja, makan keropok beramai-ramai. kalau bosan kita main pok amai-amai.

berdosa aku tidak bersyukur. tapi aku manusia. mana mungkin aku langsung tak pernah merasa kecewa.

sekarang, biarlah aku menyendiri. biarlah aku simpan rasa benci. mereka hanya tahu mereka sahaja yang perlu naik setangga lagi.

sebenarnya aku bosan. belum tentu aku bahagia dengan apa yang aku pilih. tapi sekurang-kurangnya aku masih mampu bergelak ketawa dengan gembira. ah, pergi mati dengan perasaan. entah, apa aku masih ada perasaan.

yang penting aku bukan mereka. aku bukan ratu mangga. aku ada keinginan untuk menjadi seorang yang aku mahu.

i am only human....

i believe it is natural for a human, even the slightest feeling of discomfort would appear when there are people around you are getting more than you.

i am feeling it right now....and i caved myself in, holding back my tears, tears of anger, tears of pain, tears of sadness. it's a mixed feeling, happy for my friends, devastated for myself....

i quote miss kekwa "some people are just lucky, dunno why i am complaining". well miss kekwa, we are human.

in my prayers, i ask Allah for His forgiveness, for i have not be thankful of what i have. for being ungrateful when there are others who been through worse, and for not willing to accept what ever is written in my fate.

But i am human. so is kekwa, MY, shandong, and others who work equally hard, and some get scream and shout more than any of you out there. they didn't say it outloud, or cried as hard as i did. but i know, everybody felt the punch in the belly. but no one really sob over it.

for a moment, i was broken. and i still am. i felt the hollow in me, for losing the battle.

why can't i be thankful of what i have. when there are others that need it more. sometimes, i asked myself, what have i done that i deserve this? what kind of sin i commit that i have to take all these. it pains me when i see those who made it up a notch. it kills me when i know some just don't deserve it.

i am being so bitter, but dont blame me because i bruise easily. and i am only human.