I, the loser

When it comes to matters of the heart, I am always in a turbulence.

Been over a year and a half since I last wrote here. I was madly in love with him. Anticipation, desire, hope, dream.

They say I should try. And I did. I got hurt.

The only thing wasn't said verbally was how much I adore him. He may not be a mind reader, but he should have seen it from my actions.

Today I am in a different place. And so is he. The last day I was there, we didn't say goodbye. But I know it was already a broken dream.

He was the man I love. He was the one who I prayed for. I asked God, make him a better man. Well maybe he did. But it wasn't for me. He became a better man for another woman.

Here I am in another place. Keeping a deep secret. Someone. Someone who is impossibly mine. And all I can do is dream and making up stories in my head.

I deal badly with emotions. I fall for the wrong person at most times. And I know I will keep on falling. But nobody is there to catch me. I am just too heavy (chuckles).

Above all, love is a losing game. And I have always been the looser.

That monologue lingers in my mind...

I guess I am just so scared of hurting. I guess I just don't like taking risks when it comes to matters of the heart. 

I have healed, at least I want to believe so. I have not thought of that same person the way I used to. 

But now, another one appears in my life. And all I hear in my monologue :

Heart : Do You like him?

Head  : I don't want to. 

Heart : But you like him?

Head : Yes I do.... 

I know, you should never ever question God. But, a human being just can't help it. What have I done that I deserve this kind of torture to the heart?

I just hate it so much. If it is within my control, I would switch off my heart. So I know I can guard myself from falling in love. 

At this moment, all I want is to get the hell out of here. So I will no longer anticipate those moments where we bump into each other. So I no longer anticipate that one lunch date. Oh yeah, I did gather courage to have that one lunch. But, it didn't happen. And I continue anticipating. 

I shall not anticipate. I should have stopped expecting. And therefore I will continue wondering, assuming, and hurting.... 

I am desperately seeking happiness....

Where is it? Is it in having someone to love and love me back? Well, I don't have that.

I feel horrible. I asked Allah to give me a new job, I got it. But I am still not happy. I thought I would be at first.

I am devastated, where was the life I said I hated before? I need it back. At least I know it keeps me off my wandering mind.

My job is what many are seeking. But maybe, not this place. Not this place where they don't find your job something that is crucial for the company.

I am wasting my young years, my young single years. I want to be happy. If it is not with a man and children, then let it be with a job.

I am just not a happy person.

That Crappy Feeling

Yeah. It is crappy. I have nothing much to do at work lately. It has been slow. I wonder if my career move is moving towards a straight line after this. Not much of significant activities or achievements that I can actually shout about.

I feel that time is wasted. I am trying to see things on the other side of the coin. Isn't the more relaxed nature of work that I sought before???

Ah, it sucks not being able to show what you are capable of. It sucks when you are no longer the PR Superstar anymore.

All I do everyday is wait for 5.30pm. Facing the harsh traffic, cursing all the way home. Yes more time for family. More time for God (nah, I forgot about God most of the time. Nothing against Him, but it's just me, bad person I am).

Overall, life is good. Still no one I date. Still no one is interested in me. Damn it, 32nd birthday just passed me. And all I want is a family of my own, and build a happy life.

So, job is less meaningful lately. Love life sucks as ever. Above all, I am not complaining. Let's just ignore the harsh side of life. Just live it.

Funny. How you can still tickle me from afar...

I am not 18 anymore. I am certain that I love a person of what he is.

He still can tickle me from far, with just his text or voice message. I sense happiness in his voice. I hope he is. I pray he will always be happy.

I still smile when i look at the messages. A little laugh to myself when hearing his voice message.

I love him. I am certain. Will he open his heart and love me? That is almost impossible, unless God wants him to.

I will continue to ask for his heart in my prayers. Because I am so powerless to do any other things. And I have long accepted, beauty disguises everything. But beauty is what I don't have.

Thank you Allah. At least I found someone I could love, truly enough that I pray for his happiness all the time.

The confused little thing, the Heart.

At my age, I don't think I could simply fall for a crush. Crush is so 16 year old.

This little thing that does the thinking, stronger than the brain could. It is the heart. It is weird.

I may think that I don't get attracted easily, but my heart says otherwise. Now I am in denial. Things are complicated if I follow what my heart feels.

But at the same time, I want to accept the feelings that my little heart created.

I am not that young. Please my little heart. I need security. I need a love that last.

Funny You're the Broken One, but I'm the One who Needed Saving....

A line from "Stay" by Rihanna.

Funny that I deeply feel your pain. Funny that I still hope that you feel, that I am the one feeling your pain, sincerely.

For I have loved a man. For I who begged Allah to cure him. I begged that he find new doors out there.

My prayers have been heard. He got away from one pain. He walked away from me. But at least he found happiness.

He is now in so much pain. Allah, soothe him please. Although I want that he feels different about me, but I know I am not much of the shoulder that he wants to cry on.

Funny that after all the times we are apart, I still feel him. I still feel his pain. For I have loved a man, and I still....