i hope he does too....

there is a saying i saw somewhere in one of the thousands emails in my mailbox (yep, i never erased them), "Marry someone that you love talking to". means that the best match for you is the one that communicates very well with you.

i just hope he feels the same way too....

i think i am about to create another series of heartbreak. i think i am about to have the toughest one coming.

we are nothing but two different world. but feels like both world is just made like the earth and the sun.

i hope he feels the same way too....

what i have in my head when i am jotting this down

my self inflicted pain, my self induced misery.

i burn myself and never learn that it hurts.

i have to keep this one really tight in that jar. just hope the jar won't break in to pieces. wonder if i could ever glue it together again if i break it.

i hate myself so much today. there were nothing around me but deep silence, that is becoming so loud that it pains my ears, pains my chest, it is just a pain that i can't get hold of.....

lieben Sie nicht. wenn Sie nicht wissen, dass Sie geliebt werden.....

Do not love when you do not know that you are also loved.

funny how we forget...

this year didn't start very well for me. though i tried to live the fullest, but still there was this little unhappy feelings i kept buried.

i missed my promotions with a salary increase of 15%, just because i felt there is no point staying in the same department. i was crushed to find out there are undeserving group of people who got it. but what is the point being promoted if all i do is sit still and hating every word coming out of my boss's mouth.

i found out happiness doesn't necessaruly mean you are paid well, although often it is not the real truth. i forgot that happiness is when people around you makes you feel happy. with no hate, with no grudge.

my friends have found their perfect soulmates, the love of their lives. no one was spared from this thing called marriage but me, and a couple of them in my circle of friends. from there, i started to feel there is just no space for me in their lives. even there is any, i wouldnt be the same.

i tried not to feel being left out. i said to myself, i have plenty to live for. i buried myself into work. forgot about everything else, but work.

An SMS snapped me out of it. a childhood friend, with her own family now, woke me up. i was too busy with work, i forgot about most people that were around my life.

i forgot about what i used to cherish. i forgot about friendship. lucky i am living with my family. if i had worked somewhere else, i might have forgotten them as well.

i don't even have time for people in this company that are still around and used to be in the same department. i just don't spend time with my office besties anymore.

i am not too proud of it. i work like crazy, even on weekends. but that was my way to escape from the loneliness that creeps into my life. i am lonely, and hating it.

funny how easy i have forgottten all those that i used to live for.....

NUMB...

i want to numb myself from my self inflicted pain.

i want to stop feeling things that brought nothing but heartache.

i don't want to feel anything anymore. i want a heart made out of ice, cold and clear of any unnecessary concience.

i want to let go.

i want to stay numb to all the madness around me.

guess it's time to let go...

i had a dream, a weird one. i was in the lift, and the door opens. there he stood looking at me with this big smile on his face. what's even weirder, in my dream he hugged and kissed me. he literally gave me this huge and strong XOXO.

I was giggling all the way when i woke up. crazy, i thought. but last night, it proved to me that God has a certain way of telling you "Hey, C'mon, it's long over. let go, just let it go." Hmmmm. guess what, my friend texted me, saying he is married. DARN!

indeed he was my crush, and definitely i was crushed by him. i was stupid, i was a fool. Me? with a decathlon gold medallist?that is sooooo IN YOUR DREAMS!

i learned to let go long ago. but not completely. i still use his nickname that i gave as my password. Note to self : change it ASAP.

like i was holding on to something that wasn't even there.

they look good together anyway. Wish them all the best...right now let me just focused on staying numb to all these funny feelings and try to switch it off, that is if i ever could find the switch.....

these little feelings....

there are times that i felt like i was never belong here. i love it here, but i hate it sometimes.

i have such low judgement that i couldnt differentiate the truthful ones or the ones that say less in front but sneaked behind my back and bitch.

i always have this feeling that the nicest person here is sometimes the one you should not trust. i have the feeling that there will never be enough space for me here. i never doubt what i feel because often it reflects the real thing.

i have feelings for someone and i dare not speak about it or even dare to keep on wanting to get near him. but often that i feel he would be perfect for me.

such perfection in so many defects that i see in him. born on the same day with me...have the same blood type....we bicker a lot...but in a good way. i kind of enjoy talking to him...and all these got to stop because i know this would get me end up in another series of heartbreak.

my heart is aching to be one to love him. i am aching to have him love me. maybe it sounds too mushy. but get this right...i have this feeling that he is the one. but often i get cheated by my little feelings.

ahhh, to hell with these little feelings.