learn to hate a little, love a little.....

when you love something so badly, learn to hate a little....so when you cant have what you love, it won't hurt that much.

but learn to love a little when you hate something so much....let the hate subside, in case God turned your heart around and make you love what you have hated the most.

either way, to do anything in reverse of what you have felt towards something is just never easy to do.

learning to let go is hard. learning to live and let live, are hard. learning to become what you have never was is hard. fitting in, is hard.

i wish for a whisper at night, to my ears, don't give up. i wish that there are hands to catch me, when i feel like falling. but above it all, i wish God would answer my prayers....

somethings are better left unspoken....

an apology sometimes is just not enough. the hurt would stay, and leave you with a scar.

although it is forgiven, the mistake or wrongdoings just cant never be undone. but not forgiving or choosing not to forget is just to painful to bear.

i live by my grudge towards you. but no one knows that i have long forgiven you. and choosing not to speak to you is me in denial. it's me trying to not going through all over it again. i hate this feeling.....

and may Allah listens to me. erase all this thoughts i have when it is not necessary. and i truly feel it will never work out anyway. But then again, there's is no god but God.....

ginger has snapped....

this time around i choose to be the one who snapped. all my nerves and synapses are telling me, shut it out....no more. let me be cold and icy like i used to.

i just do not understand why some people just cant admit their mistakes. some are just too arrogant to let some things just pass by them.

when they say words are mightier than swords, i guess nothing more is true, but the truth. and truth hurts.

maybe it hurts because it came from the mouth that always been singing to my ears. or maybe i am just too overly sensitive.

baby, this time ginger has snapped. and i am giving you a silent treatment, and a long one indeed.

sayang tak terucap....

i heard that life gives back to you of whatever you have given.

if you hate, you get hate....but if you love, you will get love.....

hmmmm, so far i have no proof of that.

i love, and love, and love. i give and give, and give....although in silence, in despair, and in vain. you filled this hollow in my heart somehow. and knowing that loving you and doing it aloud will only destroy me. this feeling is doing nothing good but some serious damage to my heart. it is like smoking, it kills, although the ecstacy it gives you is just magnificient.

i will love, and will not stop....maybe not for now. and maybe life will turn its page around and let me have it this time.

crazy.....

siento como voy a estallar por las sensaciones que estoy guardando adentro. tengo tal gran deseo de tenerlo, para amarlo, para cuidar para él. quisiera que él sintiera la misma manera que lo hago.

y nada mucho que puedo hacer pero esperar y rogar.

Dios, si lo significan para mí, después dejó su corazón cerca de mí. y únanos con tal gran amor.

pero si las sensaciones que tengo me destruirían solamente y lastimado me, por favor, Dios, lo sale de mí, lo lanza lejos. de modo que no lastime más.

Manusia dan kehendaknya....

sebenarnya memang susah nak kawal keinginan dan perasaan....setelah cuba dan mencuba lagi, dan aku pun berjanji kepada diri sendiri untuk mengawal perasaan yang entah bukan-bukan ini...tapi ia tetap bertandang lagi.

ia terus mengetuk pintu hati, menyesakkan nafas yang dah sememangnya sesak dengan cuaca Kuala Lumpur yang sangat sejuk beberapa hari ni.

memang kita manusia adalah makhluk yang lemah. Maka memang sebab itulah kita dibenci oleh Syaitan. sebab katanya kita dijadikan daripada tanah, sedang dia daripada api.....

Jadi berdoalah kepada Allah untuk mendapat kekuatan supaya anda tidak tewas kepada nafsu, seperti saya, yang tewas pada pagi ini. Tidak lagi mampu menahan keinginan yang membuak-buak untuk makan ayam goreng, yang berkolesterol tinggi.........

what a bad girl i am....

i have become one of them....i hurt people even when they didnt know it.

i hate myself right now, but i wish i could just turn it all over again. where i made the worse decision. at least i would stay the same.

i wouldn't have hurt myself. i wouldn't have hurt others. at least my heart is protected....although i might be living in such hate and feeling despicable to have hated my boss the whole time.

things get dirtier everyday. such evil lingers here, and believe it or not, i have a new point of view about some people.

i find some people are just bad morally. some just do not perform in their work. some are just plain fake.

but then, they who have been mentioned above, are actually nice people. they dont hurt others. they dont stab each other.

cantik itu perlu???

I was never a beauty....Never born as one, nor will i become one. But lately, i feel like beautiful people just could achieve almost anything.

pretty girls get guys they like, pretty boys get girls they like.

pretty girls get good jobs. pretty boys get promoted. even when they are airheads.

and they could just jump jobs.

when you are not pretty, or weigh more than you should, you don't stand a chance.

but i ain't complaining. i am just feeling sorry for myself.

when life closed down on you, what would you do?

last night i cried myself to sleep. asking God with all the questions i need the answer to. why am i so weak to have all these funny feelings linger around me. why am i not strong enough to let it pass.

i asked Allah for all the strength i might need to continue being here. being alive. i am so tired of telling myself that everything will be ok. that i will soon get over this. but i know i am not that strong and my heart is so stubborn that i went on hurting myself.

i am so tired of being defeated. i am so tired of trying to prove that i am worth it. i am so tired of waiting. and i know life keeps closing down on me.

maybe i am being so selfish when there are others who suffer worse. so i asked Allah to let me have the strength. i do not want to be defeated again.

Please Ya Allah, i am so tired of being heartbroken. please let me have this one and make it through.

questions that i have no answer to.....

is it love when i can picture us together, having a great time together?

is it love when i can see a future, where we just enjoy talking to each other?

is it love when i speak to you in a manner that i don't show to anyone else, but you?

is it love when i think of you at everything that i see, i touched, or do?

is it love when i can tell how much in pain you are?

is it love when i wonder what are you doing with that someone when you are not here?

is it love when i feel pain knowing that you are with that special someone?

is it love when to care for you is all i want to do?

is it love when it hurts knowing that i will not be the one???

congested.....

at times, i just fell like drifting away....funny how i could no longer numb myself to madness around me.

wonder if anyone out there ever felt like, they just don't know what they want in life anymore....

it's just so hard to define right now what i am looking for. i want this hollow to be filled and closed. but i just don't know how.

i just can't take anymore of this stupid feelings...so tired. i might need a shrink. instead of talking on a blog that would never talk back.

it is just so painful when you really want something that you will never get hold of. i wish the desire would just die off. or if only i could just live with this pain. and right now, it is crushing every inch of my chest....

in such unhappy mood....

right now, all i wanted is to find a door where i can walk out of here....

why?

- because i don't want to get hurt.
- because i don't think i could control myself from keep falling.
- because i want to walk away from trouble of the heart.
- because i am tired being the one on the outside.
- because i just can't tell myself, he is just not worth it.
- because i hate falling in love.
- because i am tired of trying to have a place here.
- because i am in need of more money.
- because i want to have a better position.
- because i want to have a career.
- because i can't refrain my heart telling me things i want to hear.
- because i hate people that never have good feelings about people.
- because i am tired of pretending to be what i am not.
- because i don't feel belong.

i want to run, and never come back. i want this to stop. the pain i create. the pain that only myself is feeling. and the crush that is crushing me.

lame excuses. but i want a happier place to be. guess we will never be happy of what we have. i will define my own terms of happy : in control of our economic situation, a better position, not to feel left behind because i am still in the same seat after 4 years into my so called career, a place where i wont fall for a guy that easily.

i love him. and i hate myself because i love him.

and i just keep on doing it. although i keep telling myself. he is just not worth it.

i am bad in having controls. and right now, there's nothing more that i want than to have it all turned off. wish it would die.

out here, it is never good to look at those in the inside. and out here, i am so disposable.

outside, looking in....

yesterday, i got this from someone : "you are trying so hard to fit in among them".

what a punch in the belly. not that i didn't notice. i knew i was never, and will never be a part of them.

it hurts, but i must not let it kill me. and yesterday, i had to confess to her...yes, i felt like i didn't belong. the same feeling she has, even when she has been here longer.

i am not there, neither here. always someone on the outside.

yesterday, i have decide. i will stop trying. i will try to at least stop trying. i am not and never will be one of them.

i literally begged for this, and i shouldn't at all, at any cost to regret of what i have got.

and yesterday i learnt, when the heart matters, there's no power but God's to stop it. i can't stop giving to those i love. though there is nothing in return for me. So i will keep asking God, to have my feelings turned off, so i don't get hurt anymore.

and right now, i am so tired, so so tired trying to feel belong. i am so tired of feeling unwanted. so tired to make a place for myself.

what a wonderful world we are living in....

beauty is in the eye of the beholder....CRAP!

i learn my lesson well, in life, you just have to be beautiful, perfect and have a certain quality in your looks in order to have a place (or a good place) for a success. hard work is never that important...not even when you are damn good at what you do.

too bad i don't have those qualities.

i am an ugly duckling...wish that i will turn into the white swan tomorrow.

gray

How do i define this emptiness that is filling my guts?

there's a certain pain that i can't explain. a certain sorrow that is not fading away.

i have fear of losing all that i love.

i have fear of losing what i had never have, and maybe will never have.

i am looking for something that i am not sure of what exactly it is....in every corner i see the gray colour of my soul. i see wide open space and not sure what to make of it.

i need help. Please God show me the answer.

why?????

Why do we always want what we can't have?

Why do we always want things that will harm us?

Why do we need to inflict ourselves with pain?

Why do we have to have feelings?

Why do we have to love?

Why do we have to suffer?

Why do we still do things that we know will hurt us?

Why do we do stupid things?

Why am I writing these?

that someone you knew....

sometimes, you never realized how someone who walked into our life is someone that you will never forget. maybe the person is just someone who cross path with you every morning. maybe the person works in the same building. maybe they are in the same office.

you may not call them your friend. you may not think you miss them. you may think that that person is just someone you know. you just never realized, sometimes a person is just that worth to be remembered.

a news i received yesterday, that someone i knew, that i didn't really think about all the times, had passed. funny how all the memories suddenly are replayed in your head.

i will miss passing in front of her office and call her name out loud. someone who often share the table in the pantry during breakfast, someone who had really loved her nasi lemak in the morning, someone who shared small talks after Zohor prayers in the surau, and she is gone.

and it is again in my head, how easy we forget about the ones who we met everyday. you just never thought that someone had somehow left an impact in your life. my regrets, i didn't visit her that much since i moved to this new place. i didn't think she even knew i had moved.

i will miss her somehow. and this one goes to Kak Mah, al-Fatihah.........May Allah bless her soul.

Kak Mah dedicated her life to postal service, and was still with Pos when she passed. she had succumed to cancer, which was only diagnosed seven months ago.

how jealousy differs from envy....

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring. (wikipedia)

i really think a strike of jealousy is hitting me hard right now.

well, you always want what you can't have.....

i hope he does too....

there is a saying i saw somewhere in one of the thousands emails in my mailbox (yep, i never erased them), "Marry someone that you love talking to". means that the best match for you is the one that communicates very well with you.

i just hope he feels the same way too....

i think i am about to create another series of heartbreak. i think i am about to have the toughest one coming.

we are nothing but two different world. but feels like both world is just made like the earth and the sun.

i hope he feels the same way too....

what i have in my head when i am jotting this down

my self inflicted pain, my self induced misery.

i burn myself and never learn that it hurts.

i have to keep this one really tight in that jar. just hope the jar won't break in to pieces. wonder if i could ever glue it together again if i break it.

i hate myself so much today. there were nothing around me but deep silence, that is becoming so loud that it pains my ears, pains my chest, it is just a pain that i can't get hold of.....

lieben Sie nicht. wenn Sie nicht wissen, dass Sie geliebt werden.....

Do not love when you do not know that you are also loved.

funny how we forget...

this year didn't start very well for me. though i tried to live the fullest, but still there was this little unhappy feelings i kept buried.

i missed my promotions with a salary increase of 15%, just because i felt there is no point staying in the same department. i was crushed to find out there are undeserving group of people who got it. but what is the point being promoted if all i do is sit still and hating every word coming out of my boss's mouth.

i found out happiness doesn't necessaruly mean you are paid well, although often it is not the real truth. i forgot that happiness is when people around you makes you feel happy. with no hate, with no grudge.

my friends have found their perfect soulmates, the love of their lives. no one was spared from this thing called marriage but me, and a couple of them in my circle of friends. from there, i started to feel there is just no space for me in their lives. even there is any, i wouldnt be the same.

i tried not to feel being left out. i said to myself, i have plenty to live for. i buried myself into work. forgot about everything else, but work.

An SMS snapped me out of it. a childhood friend, with her own family now, woke me up. i was too busy with work, i forgot about most people that were around my life.

i forgot about what i used to cherish. i forgot about friendship. lucky i am living with my family. if i had worked somewhere else, i might have forgotten them as well.

i don't even have time for people in this company that are still around and used to be in the same department. i just don't spend time with my office besties anymore.

i am not too proud of it. i work like crazy, even on weekends. but that was my way to escape from the loneliness that creeps into my life. i am lonely, and hating it.

funny how easy i have forgottten all those that i used to live for.....

NUMB...

i want to numb myself from my self inflicted pain.

i want to stop feeling things that brought nothing but heartache.

i don't want to feel anything anymore. i want a heart made out of ice, cold and clear of any unnecessary concience.

i want to let go.

i want to stay numb to all the madness around me.

guess it's time to let go...

i had a dream, a weird one. i was in the lift, and the door opens. there he stood looking at me with this big smile on his face. what's even weirder, in my dream he hugged and kissed me. he literally gave me this huge and strong XOXO.

I was giggling all the way when i woke up. crazy, i thought. but last night, it proved to me that God has a certain way of telling you "Hey, C'mon, it's long over. let go, just let it go." Hmmmm. guess what, my friend texted me, saying he is married. DARN!

indeed he was my crush, and definitely i was crushed by him. i was stupid, i was a fool. Me? with a decathlon gold medallist?that is sooooo IN YOUR DREAMS!

i learned to let go long ago. but not completely. i still use his nickname that i gave as my password. Note to self : change it ASAP.

like i was holding on to something that wasn't even there.

they look good together anyway. Wish them all the best...right now let me just focused on staying numb to all these funny feelings and try to switch it off, that is if i ever could find the switch.....

these little feelings....

there are times that i felt like i was never belong here. i love it here, but i hate it sometimes.

i have such low judgement that i couldnt differentiate the truthful ones or the ones that say less in front but sneaked behind my back and bitch.

i always have this feeling that the nicest person here is sometimes the one you should not trust. i have the feeling that there will never be enough space for me here. i never doubt what i feel because often it reflects the real thing.

i have feelings for someone and i dare not speak about it or even dare to keep on wanting to get near him. but often that i feel he would be perfect for me.

such perfection in so many defects that i see in him. born on the same day with me...have the same blood type....we bicker a lot...but in a good way. i kind of enjoy talking to him...and all these got to stop because i know this would get me end up in another series of heartbreak.

my heart is aching to be one to love him. i am aching to have him love me. maybe it sounds too mushy. but get this right...i have this feeling that he is the one. but often i get cheated by my little feelings.

ahhh, to hell with these little feelings.

skies isn't always bright....

i just dont feel that happiness will stay. not even here.

i am falling, before i plunge deeper and hurt myself bad, i need to move. i need to move to protect my heart, aching for the love and attention.

sounds like a desperado isn't it? but you can't never switch off your heart and soul for wanting to be loved.

this love affair was merely a fling. now it got serious, and i dont want to go on.

Yes, I see my job as an affair.....you thought you found the one, but it is not the one. you thought you found the best, but now you have it, you see the other part of it.

at times you laugh, you went along with it. but you know you will always be someone on the outside.

bitter heart

note to self : you are such a horrible person! start learning to love, start to forget hate. learn to live a happy life, even if yours isn't one.

i have such a bitter heart.

I am such a bad person, i once asked God what did I do wrong that i get such bad luck. i can get struck by lightning for asking such a thing.

i hate myself. i have such coldness inside me. hating each happy moments that some people just dont deserve.

life isn't that good to me. but i am holding on.

i hate it when i could not love the person that i want to love. i hate it when i cant say or show that i can love. i hate it when i love the wrong person.

things that i hate even more....i cant even talk about it.....

such bitter heart. or maybe i am just so sleepy......

this is just me saying things.....

dont get offended with whatever is coming up in lines after this....i am saying what i feel....

i hate pretenders....i hate people that talks like grown ups but doesnt think well of what they are going to do next. i hate people who waste money for things that are really, really, well not important (handbags and shoes doesnt count, alrite?)

why go to the extreme pain just for beauty that doesnt really need enhancement. why waste thousands bucks to have your not so wrongly placed pearls in your mouth. and dont complain when it hurt....when u cant eat like normal people. well baby, beauty is pain.....

funny how great the lengths that women might go for beauty....beautification that sometimes they dont need. funny huh....

the UKTT in my office wears nothing less than a 3 inch heels/wedges......ok wedges are acceptable. but heels, that's a pain.

wearing bracess for me isnt really an option when u have such fine set of pearls. and u spend....thousands of RM.....damn it dont complain when it hurts....and u ask people to eat at places where they serve anything below than RM5 soup and bread....get real....

i am sorry i am being so mean....wearing bracess doesnt mean that people has to suffer either. God knows how much i despise McDonalds....and i always get this "i dont want to waste money and eat RM7 soup" damn it, u would have more money if u dont spend it on ur almost perfect set of teeth. dont get me wrong....ur pain isnt mine when the pain is ur own request.....and having slightly bucked tooth doesnt affect ur food intake.....

and do u know that bracess can damage the surface of the teeth? man i have said enough.....

and note to self : long wearing of contact lenses can cause pain. but u need it to look pretty. damn it! maybe i can save up RM5000 and get a LASIK done. nopt only i will look good, i will see better.

i hate to say this.....i hate people who do things with such a low judgement. and dont come complain to me bout ur self inflicted pain.

i hate myself for not being sympathetic....that's just not me.....and as much as i want to say....i told u so....i wont.

grow up my dear womanchild friend.....pain and price that paid for a few degrees of beauty, just isn't worth it.......

have u ever?

have u ever felt like u don't belong? no matter how much u want to be in, but u always feel that u're just someone on the outside?

i am feeling the numbness in our relationship right now, my dear JOB.... though i want it to be career instead of a job. it felt like i wasn't trusted enough. feels like i am always the one who makes the 5th wheel...hmm.

when the silence seems so loud...and u see people around u did not care of your existence.

i just don't know why, i feel so isolated. i feel so alone in the crowd of 13 people. i feel awkward all the time. i get to do crappy things, when someone who ranked lower got a higher responsibility. what am i doing? blaming it on the wrong choice i made?

i am well aware of it. i literally begged for the JOB (again, it is not a career).

i am still trapped. i am still uncertain of whatever is happening to me, or who i will become. i am so leaving the company next year.

i made mistake. and it just felt like they had stopped trusting me....let's just see how we move from here.

entah....

tiba-tiba rasa nak tulis dalam bahasa melayu. macam Dato' Seri Utama Rais Yatim menyeru, jangan bercampu aduk bahasa kita....

kalau ketika ini ada yang rasa aku menjauhkan diri daripada mereka, padanlah muka kau semua....tapi untuk kawan-kawan yang setia, bukan niat menyepi diri... dan bukan kawan-kawan yang menyakiti.

aku menjauh sebab kecil hati, kecil hati dengan tempat yang dulu aku curahkan kreativiti, tenaga, masa dan cinta. tapi aku tak salahkan tempat itu, aku salahkan orang-orang yang ada di dalamnya....walau bukan semua, tapi sebahagiannya.

bila aku menghantar siaraya melalui mel elektronik, ramai yang bertanya 'Bila?, Kenapa? Mengapa?' sudah bencikah kau pada tempat itu....

kalau dalam lagu Afgan "Di hati kecilku berharap kau masih bahagian dari hidupku", macam itu yang aku rasa. tapi selama aku di sana, hanya orang lain mengatakan aku bagus, orang di dalam tempat itu sendiri tak nampak apa yang aku mampu buat.

di tempat baru, memang susah untuk aku bersinar. sudah ada bintang-bintang di hati tuan....

bencilah. keadaan ekonomi semakin menekan. aku semakin tertekan. kalaupun hati masih ada sayang, mungkin lebih baik aku pergi. aku bukan macam sesetengah mereka yang tak kisah dengan keadaan sekeliling. lebih baik mengupas mangga di meja, makan keropok beramai-ramai. kalau bosan kita main pok amai-amai.

berdosa aku tidak bersyukur. tapi aku manusia. mana mungkin aku langsung tak pernah merasa kecewa.

sekarang, biarlah aku menyendiri. biarlah aku simpan rasa benci. mereka hanya tahu mereka sahaja yang perlu naik setangga lagi.

sebenarnya aku bosan. belum tentu aku bahagia dengan apa yang aku pilih. tapi sekurang-kurangnya aku masih mampu bergelak ketawa dengan gembira. ah, pergi mati dengan perasaan. entah, apa aku masih ada perasaan.

yang penting aku bukan mereka. aku bukan ratu mangga. aku ada keinginan untuk menjadi seorang yang aku mahu.

i am only human....

i believe it is natural for a human, even the slightest feeling of discomfort would appear when there are people around you are getting more than you.

i am feeling it right now....and i caved myself in, holding back my tears, tears of anger, tears of pain, tears of sadness. it's a mixed feeling, happy for my friends, devastated for myself....

i quote miss kekwa "some people are just lucky, dunno why i am complaining". well miss kekwa, we are human.

in my prayers, i ask Allah for His forgiveness, for i have not be thankful of what i have. for being ungrateful when there are others who been through worse, and for not willing to accept what ever is written in my fate.

But i am human. so is kekwa, MY, shandong, and others who work equally hard, and some get scream and shout more than any of you out there. they didn't say it outloud, or cried as hard as i did. but i know, everybody felt the punch in the belly. but no one really sob over it.

for a moment, i was broken. and i still am. i felt the hollow in me, for losing the battle.

why can't i be thankful of what i have. when there are others that need it more. sometimes, i asked myself, what have i done that i deserve this? what kind of sin i commit that i have to take all these. it pains me when i see those who made it up a notch. it kills me when i know some just don't deserve it.

i am being so bitter, but dont blame me because i bruise easily. and i am only human.

Some kind of a pain in the neck....

I first heard the term pain in the neck used on me when i was 19, still in school. and it was all because of this huge war between me and this once 'used to be' my bestfriend (he is still my friend, though only on facebook).

a colloquial translation of PAIN IN THE NECK - people that are just too painful to argue with. they are so useless to talk to.

hmm, some people are just more than that. they are just like sore a$$***e that never soothed. they say things about you, even when you are completely shut. when you are at calm, and not saying a word to his disgrace. no point, when we have burned the bridge.

when someone had said something about how peaceful life is without me around that place...it was a first a huge punch below the belt. but then again, i tell myself, i don't have to entertain this. and what was his intention? only God knows.....yes, i started the war, but i have ended it without you even noticing.

we have stopped talking, and i don't think any statement on facebook to provoke each other would be that tactful anymore. the war is over, though we never made peace.

to that male bitch species, seriously, life is too short to get me sit down and sob about whatever harsh words thrown at me. i am too old for that. and you are hurting yourself by keeping the grudge.

at one point, i pity him, so much. too lonely and seeking for attention when i never even bother. huh, don't tell me you never went to my facebook profile, you poor little attention seeker.

silence sometimes is the most powerful weapon. i should hush now.....and let the pain goes numb.

just be careful what u wish for....

sometimes, Allah made you pick the wrong choice with a purpose.

Yes, i learned that now. What you want is not always the best for you. what is bad for you now, might be a good thing waiting for its moment to happen anytime soon.

I learned the fact, i have to accept it. we are not capable of ensuring life to go smoothly as we plan. we are not to be liked by everyone, we are not to be hated by everyone. i am talking nonsense. yes, it is the sugar rush. afternoon coffee seems bad for me.

i am learning to learn to like this new place. truth is...i am myself. i can never be a part of them. Not a part of team A, or team B. I am me.

my advice, just be careful what you wish for. you might not like it once you have it.

i used to like my job there, but i never liked the boss. i thought things are different here. truth is, office politic is something you can never get rid of. and to shine like a superstar, it will take time.

Note to self : Just be careful what you wish for.....

wishing on a star...

my fourth day. i am a little bored.

tomorrow i wish that i will be their superstar. and i am definitely wishing on a star.

a brand new day...

now i know how hard it is to face changes. i work in a different building now, though it's a same company. it's a mix of feelings, a mix of thoughts a mix of discomfort....i am in transition, and i am not liking it....hmmm. it's just another building, wonder if i got another job and leave the company...

i threw away my comfort, the chair, the organized mess, the friends, and soon the notebook that i just got used to it...i am scared too death that i made a mistake...Oh God, what have signed up for?

i heard about the superstar of the team is going up a notch. and i am barely starting. at some points, it kills my pride a little bit. i have been here longer, yet so far from there.

i want to be the superstar. i want to shine. but not sure if this is the right place. just hope it is. i asked for this.

if only tomorrow is like a year ago, i wouldn't even wish to be here. but i asked for this, and i have to learn to like it. adapt, embrace, loving each day with them. i'll miss a lot, but maybe Allah has promised me something.

Ya Allah, if this is the path that you made me chooose for the better, i pray to You, lead me there, ease the pain i might have to endure, light the way, and let me have the peace and happiness i have been looking for.

But if this is the wrong choice that i've made, please Ya Allah, find me 1001 ways to let me find the peace and happiness.

looking for a brighter day...

i have eft blogging for five months now. guess it's time to restart. yeah RESTART! because i am restarting my career. after FOUR years.....four bloody years. loved some part of the four years. hating it at the same time.

i have enough of back stabbing, 'air-conditioning' (this is a term in Malay which is equivalent to Mengipas), ass-kissing, which all of the above i am not capable to.

you would be disappointed if you were in my shoes. trust me....it took a lot of thinking, juggling, another round of thinking and observing before i made this move.

i move to another department. yeah, some might say no difference. for me; it's a huge DIFFERENCE. another sets of character you need to adjust to. another type of boss you need to learn how to please. another building, further from my dear friends.

but i still feel there will be some things that are still the same. Politics. The shits you can never get rid off.

frankly, i worry that i will regret this. but i must make sure i don't retire here.....damn, i don't want to be those people. i am afraid that i don't have what it takes to be a superstar in the new place. but then again, i really had enough of misery, minus the good friends (and foes)....

it's a love hate relationship. loved the job, loved some people, HATED THE BOSS. yeah, it might sound selfish. but i need to come to work happy, damn it, i was not that happy before.

and yes, i might have to take a few more years to go up a notch. nope, i don't plan to stay a few more years....i am 27. i am young. this is the time for me to explore other businesses, other industries, broaden my knowledge (sounds cliche, i know).

i pray to Allah; if this is a wrong choice that you made me choose, maybe it is a test. I will open heartedly take it, but please Ya Allah, open up another 1001 doors for me.