That Crappy Feeling

Yeah. It is crappy. I have nothing much to do at work lately. It has been slow. I wonder if my career move is moving towards a straight line after this. Not much of significant activities or achievements that I can actually shout about.

I feel that time is wasted. I am trying to see things on the other side of the coin. Isn't the more relaxed nature of work that I sought before???

Ah, it sucks not being able to show what you are capable of. It sucks when you are no longer the PR Superstar anymore.

All I do everyday is wait for 5.30pm. Facing the harsh traffic, cursing all the way home. Yes more time for family. More time for God (nah, I forgot about God most of the time. Nothing against Him, but it's just me, bad person I am).

Overall, life is good. Still no one I date. Still no one is interested in me. Damn it, 32nd birthday just passed me. And all I want is a family of my own, and build a happy life.

So, job is less meaningful lately. Love life sucks as ever. Above all, I am not complaining. Let's just ignore the harsh side of life. Just live it.

Funny. How you can still tickle me from afar...

I am not 18 anymore. I am certain that I love a person of what he is.

He still can tickle me from far, with just his text or voice message. I sense happiness in his voice. I hope he is. I pray he will always be happy.

I still smile when i look at the messages. A little laugh to myself when hearing his voice message.

I love him. I am certain. Will he open his heart and love me? That is almost impossible, unless God wants him to.

I will continue to ask for his heart in my prayers. Because I am so powerless to do any other things. And I have long accepted, beauty disguises everything. But beauty is what I don't have.

Thank you Allah. At least I found someone I could love, truly enough that I pray for his happiness all the time.

The confused little thing, the Heart.

At my age, I don't think I could simply fall for a crush. Crush is so 16 year old.

This little thing that does the thinking, stronger than the brain could. It is the heart. It is weird.

I may think that I don't get attracted easily, but my heart says otherwise. Now I am in denial. Things are complicated if I follow what my heart feels.

But at the same time, I want to accept the feelings that my little heart created.

I am not that young. Please my little heart. I need security. I need a love that last.

Funny You're the Broken One, but I'm the One who Needed Saving....

A line from "Stay" by Rihanna.

Funny that I deeply feel your pain. Funny that I still hope that you feel, that I am the one feeling your pain, sincerely.

For I have loved a man. For I who begged Allah to cure him. I begged that he find new doors out there.

My prayers have been heard. He got away from one pain. He walked away from me. But at least he found happiness.

He is now in so much pain. Allah, soothe him please. Although I want that he feels different about me, but I know I am not much of the shoulder that he wants to cry on.

Funny that after all the times we are apart, I still feel him. I still feel his pain. For I have loved a man, and I still....

I am writing again. Signs of worklife being empty....

I have not written a single word since the day I fell hard on someone. But I did scribble a little.

So I am back. I will write again. There are just too many changes have been happening the past two years. I wish to utter everything that pained me so much, but deciding to let go seems like the saner choice.

I do not have a happy life. And there I should stop complaining.