in such unhappy mood....

right now, all i wanted is to find a door where i can walk out of here....

why?

- because i don't want to get hurt.
- because i don't think i could control myself from keep falling.
- because i want to walk away from trouble of the heart.
- because i am tired being the one on the outside.
- because i just can't tell myself, he is just not worth it.
- because i hate falling in love.
- because i am tired of trying to have a place here.
- because i am in need of more money.
- because i want to have a better position.
- because i want to have a career.
- because i can't refrain my heart telling me things i want to hear.
- because i hate people that never have good feelings about people.
- because i am tired of pretending to be what i am not.
- because i don't feel belong.

i want to run, and never come back. i want this to stop. the pain i create. the pain that only myself is feeling. and the crush that is crushing me.

lame excuses. but i want a happier place to be. guess we will never be happy of what we have. i will define my own terms of happy : in control of our economic situation, a better position, not to feel left behind because i am still in the same seat after 4 years into my so called career, a place where i wont fall for a guy that easily.

i love him. and i hate myself because i love him.

and i just keep on doing it. although i keep telling myself. he is just not worth it.

i am bad in having controls. and right now, there's nothing more that i want than to have it all turned off. wish it would die.

out here, it is never good to look at those in the inside. and out here, i am so disposable.