outside, looking in....

yesterday, i got this from someone : "you are trying so hard to fit in among them".

what a punch in the belly. not that i didn't notice. i knew i was never, and will never be a part of them.

it hurts, but i must not let it kill me. and yesterday, i had to confess to her...yes, i felt like i didn't belong. the same feeling she has, even when she has been here longer.

i am not there, neither here. always someone on the outside.

yesterday, i have decide. i will stop trying. i will try to at least stop trying. i am not and never will be one of them.

i literally begged for this, and i shouldn't at all, at any cost to regret of what i have got.

and yesterday i learnt, when the heart matters, there's no power but God's to stop it. i can't stop giving to those i love. though there is nothing in return for me. So i will keep asking God, to have my feelings turned off, so i don't get hurt anymore.

and right now, i am so tired, so so tired trying to feel belong. i am so tired of feeling unwanted. so tired to make a place for myself.